


Suis-moi (Follow me)

by Friendlinesspellets



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Insomnia, Keith and Shiro are Adoptive Siblings, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Suicidal Thoughts, klance later, klance starting from chapter 3, shatt is minor, shiro secretly hates being space dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-13 19:38:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7983694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Friendlinesspellets/pseuds/Friendlinesspellets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keith is 6 years old when you're 13 years old. He's your brother that your parents picked up from some adoption agency back when you guys still lived in Japan. </p>
<p>You like your little brother.</p>
<p>Correction: you like <i>picking</i> on your little brother.</p>
<p>(The life of Shiro and his brother Keith, before, during, and after Garrison days, and how he unlearns how to be a dad to become a brother once more)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> A story based of these headcanons: http://velocesmells.tumblr.com/post/149678277740/i-cant-draw-all-my-shiro-and-keith-adopted  
> This is my first fanfiction in like years I hope this is okay lmao. The first chapter will be angst, the next will be fluff, and the last will be a weird mixture of both.

Your name is Takashi Shirogane, and your little brother’s name is Keith Shirogane.  
Keith is 6 years old when you're 13 years old. He's your brother that your parents picked up from some adoption agency back when you guys still lived in Japan. 

You like your little brother.

Correction: you like _picking_ on your little brother.

You can't be blamed, because his reactions are always hilarious. Like his face when you cut off his little mullet and stuffed it in a Gatorade bottle. Or when you pulled his pants down when he was climbing the bunkbed ladder. It's usually harmless.

You stopped getting physical when a memorable push down the stairs resulted in a broken arm for him. He was mad at you for a while, until you bought him that deformed Sonic popsicle at the suggestion of your friend ("kids love that shit, Shiro.")

He could never stay mad at you, and that's why you like picking on him so much.

Today is no different.

Keith's ignoring you again, arms folded, and pointedly turning away from you. You try shaking his shoulder.

"Hey c'mon, Keith. You have to admit that video was a _little_ funny."

He just gets up in all his asain bowl cut glory and scoots away dramatically. You sigh.

"I'll let you name my next pokemon, how ‘bout that?" 

"Leave me alone, Takashi," He mumbles, voice watery. Oh boy, it's time to pull out the big guns.

You get up and lift the back hem of your t-shirt over your head, spreading your arms as far as you can. You pop your head in Keith's line of vision.

"Boo!"

He bursts out laughing before quickly covering his face and turning around. His shoulders are still shaking though, and you can tell he's trying his best to not laugh.

You keep persisting with your ridiculous harpy look until he forgets about the (in your opinion, hilarious) video you taped of him. 5 minutes later the two of you are zipping around the house with the back hems of you shirts over your heads, arms out spread like total fucking idiots and you're sure you guys look like something straight from Jay jay the jet plane.

Yeah, you like your brother a lot.

Keith is 7 years old when you're 14 years old and you reject the garrison boarding school in favor of another pilot school nearby so you're allowed to spend more time at home.

Your family is proud and relieved except for your little brother. The little shit doesn't realize how lucky he is that you can grace him with your presence more often. Ungrateful.

What he _is_ grateful for is the textbooks you receive from school. You read your assigned chapters to him every night like a bedtime story and he absorbs them like a sponge, all starry eyed and grinning like he never has before. 

You've never seen the dork so obsessed with something before.

Pretty soon he's just as good as you at naming constellations and jet models, maybe even better. He even starts collecting texts related to space and piloting, everything from your used books to NASA newspaper clips from god knows where. He stuffs his hoard under his bed like they're some kind of prized porn magazines.

Your parents catch on really quick, and by the time Christmas rolls around the two of you get an expensive telescope as a joint present. You laugh everytime you think about it, because your parents had managed to catch Keith's reaction on tape when he absolutely just flips out and hits his head in the process and he doesn't even register the pain.

Every Saturday after that the two of you hike up the cliff by the lighthouse at night, all bundled up in thirty layers of Uniqlo apparel freezing your asses off to go stargazing. The two of you make a game of making the most creative patterns as you photograph them for extra credit at school.

As the months pass Keith also develops an inane habit of trying to spot signs of alien life. You don't blame him, who the fuck doesn't want to see that? It's part of the reason why you want to become an astronaut in the first place, you tell him.

He ponders on that for a moment, still trying to find an alien on the moon. Eventually he tells you that he wants to come with you when you finally journey into space. He wants to become a pilot, too.  
The two of you agree that when you finally become a commander, he'll be right there as your right hand man.

Keith is 8 when you're 15, and everything changes when your mom disappears.

There's been times she comes home suspiciously late before, but she's never neglected to come home. Your father calls her relentlessly in the morning and she doesn't pick up.

This continues for a week. 

Dad gets in touch with the police, sends out search parties, prints out hundreds of fliers with your mom's face to hang up, everything. Your job is to take care of Keith while dad is stressing over mom.

Keith always asks when mom is coming home. You wish you had an answer.

The real change comes about a month later. You and Keith are watching the Mewtwo movie for the fiftieth time, and he's in the middle of sobbing over Pikachu trying to wake up a frozen Ash when someone knocks on the door. Your dad opens it in a rush when he realizes it's the police.

They talk in hushed voices and the cop that's talking to dad occasionally glances back at you sadly, and you can tell something is very, very wrong. So you stop the movie and usher Keith upstairs; there's nothing to see here.

You do your best to eavesdrop. You don't hear everything, but you're smart enough to piece the story together.

Apparently mom has been having an affair for years now, and was murdered when her boyfriend discovered she was in fact married. Her body was found in a lake a few states away. Her affair is jailed.

You've never seen your father cry so hard in your life.

You tell Keith everything. He doesn't take it well either.

Nothing's the same after that.

Of course it wouldn't be, but you weren't expecting whatever was coming over the course of a few months. The changes were so small, so stealthy in their process of creeping up on you that you hadn't noticed until it was too late.

Like the way dad let the dishes pile up, or forgot to make dinner altogether. Or how he started coming home a bit later than usual, smelling funny and unable to walk straight. Or how he starts talking to you and Keith less and less until he stops talking to either of you at all.

You and Keith always came up with excuses for him. He was just stressed, and neither of you minded take-out or cereal. He just needed more time to himself, to relax and move on. He has a life. A job. He stills works to put a roof over you. Not everything is about you two. Stop being so selfish.

You do your best to take care of your brother when dad doesn't. Try to fill in the title of a "dad" until your real one comes back. You start waking up an hour earlier to make breakfast. You bring Keith to school and run every day to your own 10 blocks away within 10 minutes. You hang with your friends less after school to make it home in time to make dinner. You rinse and repeat for months.

The changes hit you like a fucking train when you come home on a Wednesday, the day your father is off from work. He picks up Keith on those days, and the lady next door picks him up on other days but no matter which, Keith is always home by the time you are.

It's an hour after Keith's dismissal, and you're getting worried. You reason that perhaps dad took him out for ice cream, or they're stuck in traffic. That must be it.

An hour after the phone rings and you snatch it up in hopes that it was dad. It's a lady from Keith's school instead. You almost don't register her words in your disappointment until she explains that no one has come to pick up your brother, and your father isn't answering his phone.

You ride the train and practically fly there as fast as you can, and when you arrive, Keith is sitting in the office on the verge of tears. He runs to your arms the moment he spots you, and you hold him for a long time.

I thought you and dad didn't want me anymore, he says.

That's silly, you tell him.

He still clings onto to you for dear life until you get home.

When dad comes back that night, you expected him to apologize, to chuckle at his forgetfulness; give a reason for his shortcoming.

There's nothing of the sort. Dad ignores you and heads upstairs without a word. You stare in disbelief. Keith just looks confused and sad.

This repeats over and over. The school calls you up every week and soon you simply head straight for Keith's school after you're dismissed from yours. 

You confront him one day, prepared with kindness and understanding, in hopes of bringing back the dad that cared. He's drinking himself into a coma on the couch.

You tell him everything you've been feeling. You comfort him about mom. You tell him it's okay to be upset. You tell him he'll come out of this stronger. You tell him that Keith misses him and he can talk to you two.

Dad takes one disgusted look at you after your speech before laughing. He takes swigs from his bottle and smiles at you with malice.

He tells you how he pressured mom into adopting Keith, into keeping you. How that was the reason why she cheated, why she felt less attracted to him. He tells you that it's your fault he's not happy with the woman he loved. He tells you he wishes he never adopted Keith. He tells you he wishes they actually killed you before you were born.

You tell him he doesn't really mean it.

He tells you to fuck off before retreating to his room.

It's hard for both of you to not feel abandoned. You and your brother are forced to watch your father degrade into useless garbage.

Keith is 9 when you're 16 and you are balancing pilot school, chores, and two part time jobs because your father stopped going to work.

You try not to show how tired you are in front of Keith, but the little shit's always been too smart for his own good, so he tries chipping in his own money to food and bills.

You weren't sure where he'd been getting it from, and he refuses to tell you. But then you start noticing overtime that his prized hoard under his bed is gone, and his favorite toys- even the limited edition plushies are missing.

You almost cry when you realize, and he acts confused when you tell him to stop selling his stuff. He reasons that it's not fair that you're the only one making money. Besides, it's not like he cares about those things anyway, they were just collecting dust, he says. But you can tell it's a lie by the way he looks away, mouth pouted and arms crossed.

He's thinned out a lot the past year, and his round face is starting to sharpen up. His black hair is also getting longer, to the point where it sweeps around his eyes. He's also starting to collect eye bags, and starts locking his default expression into a resting bitch face. He looks twice his age and it terrifies you.

You don't look any better, though. You get worried looks from your classmates because you're developing insomnia and it shows in your Gucci brand eye bags. Your fingers start growing calluses because you cut them a lot when you open supply boxes for your job at the cafe. You're sure it's just a matter of time before you start sprouting white hair.

You start buying cheap makeup to make yourself presentable with the leftover money (you can't show up to your jobs looking like the Grinch, you'd get fired). It takes you a while to get the hang of it, but you've always adapted easily, and soon you apply eyeliner and concealer like a pro. 

Keith and your one trusty eyeliner become your pride and joy.

Dad is now a lost cause, and even Keith lost hope for him. When he's not out doing god knows what, he's drinking himself comatose on the couch. Neither you nor your brother tries talking to him anymore. As in matter of fact, you drill it into Keith's head that he should stay far from dad because he's more often drunk than sober, you don't want him getting hurt.

The two of you talk at night, on the rare occasion you manage to make it home early. You both devise your plan, to ditch this place once Keith manages to get enrolled into the garrison, and you'll transfer right alongside him. The two of you will forget this part of your life ever happened. You'll let dad rot in this house for good.

Keith is 10 when you're 17 and dad has started bringing home girls.

The first time it happened, you were thinking of just how dad could fuck you and Keith over even more. You reach the conclusion that he couldn't when some higher deity thought it'd be funny to have him barging in with a girl you've never seen before.

The second you realize what was going on you scoop up Keith, and dash out to the lighthouse in record time.

You hoped that Keith was too young to get what was happening but your luck hasn't been great for the past half of your life. He knew exactly what the fuck was up and bitterly states that 'it was just a matter of time'. 

You remember sighing as you pulled him into your lap and he rested his overgrown hair under your chin. Dad used to be one to cut his hair into a shitty bowlcut. You tried to remember to fit 'cut Keiths hair' into your crowded schedule. You asked him what hair style he wants. He joked that he wanted a mullet. You planned to give it to him. Just to spite him.

The two of you stayed for hours watching the stars before you deemed it enough time for dad to finish his... business and return home.

You had hoped that that'd be the end of it but dad had mastered the art of disappointing you so you barely flinch when he keeps bringing girls home. You just get up and drag Keith to the lighthouse, Sephora, the 24 hour diner, or even the park. You both once tried staying upstairs holed in your room as dad got his dick wet in the living room downstairs but that proved to be a fucking disaster (You can't watch America's Next Top Model now without thinking about the gross sounds of your father fucking) so you guys are forced to go out.

A few months into the year and dad brings home someone more often than not every night. Keith bets that he paid them. You shudder to think of where your father gets the money. The only thing that keeps you from going insane is the life that you and Keith will share as astronauts in the future.

Around this time, you start teaching Keith how to fight. Your school has taught you the basics — as is necessary for a fighter pilot — but Keith's school hasn't, so you make time once a week. He already throws a pretty mean right hook but you need him at his best if things with dad finally get hairy and you're not there. If Keith loses his brother, he'll have no one, and what will happen then?

You can't take any chances. He must be tough.

Keith takes his lessons from you like a champ, and you're relieved to know he can hit and run like a bad ass. He's also been happy with this development too, you think.

You hope it's enough.

Keith is 11 when you're still 17 and it's his birthday.

Lady luck hates your fucking guts because you have to fill in a late night shift for someone else last minute. The moment you can you call Keith and tell him you're going to be late. You can tell he's trying his best to not be upset, so you promise to bring back a sundae from the ice cream place you're working at. You do your usual "make sure you run from the house if dad's there, love you, kiss kiss." goodbye before you hang up to his staged gag noises.

You return home half an hour before midnight and you're thinking of getting a different job in place of your Baskin Robbins gig because the manager loves switching around your shifts without asking when you spot high heels outside your hall. You know dad can't rock those heels like you do so obviously another lady's over and you head to the lighthouse. It's your meeting place with Keith in the case you're not there when your father bumps uglies, so you're surprised when there's no one there.

Keith is smart, so you figure maybe he's late. You wait for 5 minutes. Then 10. Soon it becomes midnight and there's no mullet in sight.

You're starting to get how Keith probably felt the first time dad stopped picking him up.

Panic sweeps over you as the situation sinks in. He's never failed to meet you before, and definitely not the type to disobey a serious order from you, so your hands start shaking seriously as you tug your fringe, nearing an anxiety attack.  
You run all over town, barging in every possible place he could be in. You even stop lurking neighbors and strangers to ask if they've seen to your little brother. Each negative sends you more and more panicked.

_"Sorry, Shiro. Haven't seen the kid. I'm sure he's fine. Wanna get a drink?"_

_"There's lots of black haired kids 'round here, but I haven't seen a mullet."_

_"No, I haven't seen Keith. Why? Is he missing?"_

_"No, haven't seen anyone like that."_

_"Sorry, can't help you."_

_"No, sorry."_

_Nonononono_ is all you can think as you run everywhere in a 5 mile radius to the point where your clothes are drenched in your gross sweat and your knees get wobbly. You stop yourself when you've exhausted all options and check your last resort- home.

It's unlikely he's there, but you're desperate to see your brother safe and sound and you don't know what you'd do if you really lost him.

You slip in through the backyard and sneak up the stairs like a ninja (pointedly ignoring the noises from the couch). You open the door to yours and Keith's room so fast you nearly break it and your heart just about plummets to your foot when it's emptier than dad's bank account.

You're frozen for five minutes before you start hyperventilating, scratching your scalp off in an attempt to wake up from what is surely just a very _very_ bad dream. A scream is lodged somewhere in the back of your throat when you hear a weak "Takashi?" from the closet.

You think you've finally lost it and hallucinated it when scratching comes from inside the closet along with repeated teary mantras of your name and you realize that it's Keith.

His telescope is lodged in between the closet handles and you hadn't noticed in your panic but now you unhook it and fling open the doors, and a huge weight is lifted off your chest and you can finally breathe right when it's your little brother inside the closet.

Then it hits you that there's nothing right about this scene here. Keith's toothpick arms are shivering around his knees and his face is puffy and red with tears. He looks like he's been stuck here for hours.

"Takashi?" He repeats, voice weak from crying god knows how long.

He jumps into your arms, which hasn't happened in years and you can't even appreciate it because you're fucking shocked. Your brother doesn't even seem to care that you're sticky with sweat and cries into your chest. You pull him close; rocking him like dad used to and whisper silent comforts for a long time. You don't notice that you're crying, too.

Then suddenly, you're super fucking pissed.

You ask Keith who locked him in here, what happened, even though you know the answer. He mumbles into your shoulder. You strain to hear, but all you need to hear is the word dad before you start seeing red.

You try — you really do — to not seem like you're about to straight up murder someone as you comfort Keith and guide him quietly outside to the backyard. You give him the sad melted ice cream and instruct him to not get inside the house until you tell him to. He gets the idea of what you're going to do, and just nods tiredly.

When you get back inside you're finally, _finally_ , allowed to let loose. You haven't ever been this pissed off in your life, and you're sure everything about you screams 'serial killer' as you stomp into the living room, slam the lights on, and drag dad off the girl he was busy fucking. You're too angry to even get flustered in the slightest.

The lady starts screaming. Dad starts screaming. You start screaming. Everyone is screaming. Everything’s a blur, but you remember you drag the girl out the door, kick her out and throw her clothes on the pavement outside; you can't bring yourself to care. You slam the door in her face in the middle of her sentence and face your dad who looks absolutely pissed off. 

Luckily for you, you're even more pissed off. You haven't been angry in forever. You haven't been allowed to be angry in forever. Maybe it's because of that everything's bubbling over right now from years of concealed anger and you're ready to finally fucking straight up murder dad.

"WHAT. THE FUCK. IS WRONG WITH YOU?" You're seething.

"I could ask you," He slurs angrily, "Neither of us wants the brat watchin', so I handled it. What the hell are you doing?"

"What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING? I'm keeping this house from falling apart! I'm being RESPONSIBLE!" Tears start blurring your eyes, and you refuse to let them fall, "How could you just lock up your kid like that, how could you lock up _Keith_ like that?"

Dad sighs heavily, disgust hardly concealed as he looks down at you. After a beat of his drunken, heavy breathing he turns away from you and plops down on the ratty couch. He turns on the TV as he settles in, set on ignoring you.

Not this fucking time.

You tear the remote from his hand, turn the TV off and the remote hits the wall as you fling it across the room. Your dad just rolls his eyes and glares at you like a child.

So you scold him like one.

"We gave you TWO years. TWO YEARS. To get your shit together! You don't even care about us! I'M the one who's been keeping us off the street, and the only reason I'm not stopping is Keith, and you fucking know it! That's the only reason why you keep him around, and I LET you laze around even though I'm doing YOUR job!" You shout your lungs out, and you're sure Keith hears you.

You dad turns to you, glaring intently, "And I'm supposed to give a shit about you? I'm the reason why you're even around. You owe me, after all the years I've put up with your shit."

"You're a father!" You jab your finger at his chest, "If you won't act like one to me, act like one to KEITH."

Dad stares up at you, squinting, looking at you with full acknowledgement for the first time in years.

"Fuck off."

Whatever last string of patience you had snapped.

You tug the hem of dad's shirt and ignore his shouting as you haul him up. He struggles out of your grasp, and punched you good on your cheek. Under normal circumstances, you'd be scared.

These aren't normal circumstances.

Dad's spent the last two years lazing about getting drunk off his ass, and before that he was a salary man, lanky and weak. This makes it extremely easy for you to punch him right back, wrestle him for a few good minutes, and throw his sorry ass out the door. Being mad also helped, you suppose.

The woman's not outside anymore, thank god. You throw him down the stairs and onto the asphalt with no mercy.

"Get the hell out of my house!" Your scream echoes in the street.

Your dad sputters, "That's _my_ house, you can't kick me out!"

"I pay the bills, _I_ own this house!"

His shocked face made your fresh bruises on your skin worth it.

"You can come back in after you've sobered up and bring back some money to pay for the bills." With that, you slam the door and lock it, not bothering to hear what other shit he's going to pull from his ass.

You quickly grab Keith from the yard and lock the back door, along with all the windows so the son of a bitch can't break in.

While you were busy doing all this, Keith just stared at the sad remains of his ice cream cup on your bed. He's been awfully quiet, more so than usual. You don't blame him.

He's been a brave kid through this mess.

When you finally calm down, he tries to comfort you with his melted ice cream goo, and willingly hugs you. You tell him you're proud of him and thank him for being here. He hides his face in your shirt.

It's as sappy as he'll get, so you fill the rest of the sappiness quota yourself by crying on his hair as you hold him close for a long time.

Keith is 11 when you're 18, and your father is gone.

He came back eventually after your... talk, but never actually lingered for too long before heading out. He was usually sober, too. You think that maybe he was scared of you. That made you secretly happy.

But a few weeks after you turned 18, he just up and vanished entirely. The authorities don't know where he is, and it's a real mystery. Whether he was dead or alive you never found out. You suspect that perhaps he ran into some trouble with lending money, since you had no clue how he got it in the first place for beer.

When the cops informed you of your missing father, Keith muttered, "Good riddance." You wonder when he became such a bitter little kid, but you couldn't agree more.

It's smooth sailing from there. You fill out everything and adopt Keith easily (you've practically been ghost-parenting him for the past years by yourself), and he gets into the Garrison with flying colors and you transfer there right alongside him.

The both of you pack everything important (which wasn’t much anyways) and leave the Shirogane household to rot.

The Garrison is luckily quite accommodating, and Child services make sure the two of you are roomed together and have coinciding lunch periods.

You don't have much on your side of your new shared room, and neither does Keith. He sold most of his toys away to help chip in the last few years. He still has his Star Wars poster and a few of those weird green alien toys that nobody wanted to buy, but it's a far cry from his mass collection of Pokémon merchandise.

It's still something, though. Yours and Keith's first steps out from the reign of your dad. There can be more things you can buy for yourselves now that you don't have to pay for a house (your scholarship covers your stay here just fine), so maybe now you can let loose a little.

What you're really worried about is Keith, though. A boarding school is very different from a local school. You've always fit in fine with your classmates, but Keith just isn't cut from the same cloth in the social aspect. He's quiet, blunt, and slow on social cues. You know he also hates talking because of his stuttering and slight accent, and you don't blame him because you had the same problem at his age, too.

He's never cared much about his lack of friends, and it becomes apparent when your predictions turn out right when months pass and he talks only about the new constellations and pilot techniques he's learned instead of people in his class. You ask him about his classmates casually, if any catch his eye in an attempt to be a somewhat responsible adult. He stares at you like your neck grew a few feet.

"What about them?"

"Wanted to hear about your friends." You shrug, pretending to be nonchalant.

"Don't have any."

"Why not?"

He shrugs back, "I've got you, don't I?"

You feel awfully sad and giddy at that. You know that won't fly well in the future, but you feel special, and you know you need him as much as he needs you. You can let it slide for now.

The two of you will be fine for now.


	2. During

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro's happiest days are the ones shared with Keith at the Garrison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pure self-indulgence and fluff. Implied Shatt thrown in for good measure <3

Keith is 12 when you're 19 and your best friend is Matt Holt.

Well, your best friend that isn't Keith.

You've never had a concrete best friend before, so Matt is your first one and now you understand what the fuss is about. Months of bonding over sharing experiences with younger siblings had him cemented in your heart as a close friend, and it makes you feel like a kid once more.

One day he finally convinces you to let him hang at your place.

This would be fine, if it weren't for the fact that you were worried about Keith.

You've never brought anyone home before, and you don't want to weird him out. He's never shown interest in other people that isn't you. What if he hates Matt? Does that mean you'll have to stop hanging out with your new best friend? 

It makes you super paranoid.

You try to be casual in telling Keith about Matt's visit. He was confused, but he seemed to take it well enough. It still didn't help your worries, however. Because all it'll take is one fuck up for things to go Topsy-turvy with your detonator of a brother. You dread the day they'll meet more and more each night, strategizing plans for every possible way the visit could go down.

And then Matt comes, with his (sneaked in) Mario Kart, Apple pie, conspiracy theory documentaries and sweeps your little brother off his feet.

It takes less than an hour for Keith to warm up to him, and when Matt leaves you can tell your brother fucking fell for him.

You were extremely relieved, and you feel like your skin and pores becomes clear as day when Keith _insists_ he comes again.

So he does.

Months pass again and Keith starts looking forward to saturdays because thats when Matt swings by. You even start teasing him about it, but you're one to talk. 

Matt likes your brother more and more, and never treats him like he's any less for being younger. He does, however help Keith out with Uno when Matt wins first and it's just you versus him. Once you catch your brother staring at him with pink cheeks as your friend reaches over to help him out.

You hadn't thought much of it, especially since you lost after. But the thought comes back full force one Friday night when Keith goes up to you as you're doing homework and declares:

"I like Matt"

Your lead breaks as you whip around in shock. He looks at you with a determined face. 

"Like... romantically?"

He nods.

You're sputtering at this point, and for some reason you don't find humor in your brother's first crush because it's your BEST FRIEND.

"How are you so sure?"

He puffs his cheeks angrily, "I hear other kids talk about these things all the time, I'm smart enough to know how I feel!"

Oh geez. So many things are happening and you don't know how to react. Should you tell him Matt's too old for him? Tell him to wait until he's older? Oh god does he even know that some people don't think boys liking boys are okay? Does Matt even like boys? Does Matt _tolerate_ boys liking boys? Is Keith gay? Does he know he's being kind of gay? Life hasn't prepared you for this.

The first thing your mouth says is: "Do you want to date him?"

He smiles and nods furiously.

So the two of you devise a plan for Keith to ask out your best friend. Which really isn't much. He just grabs a tiramisu cake from the canteen and a flower from the school yard on Saturday morning.

When Matt swings by that afternoon, the two of you play Mario Kart first while Keith waits patiently. When you're halfway through rainbow road and Matt's way ahead of you that's when your little brother turns to him, cake and flower in hand and says:

"Go out with me."

Matt chokes on his spit and starts laughing so hard he falls off the rainbow road. When the match is over he's dead last but still absolutely losing his shit. Keith just continues looking at him expectedly.

He takes the cake and flower from your brother after he's calmed down a bit.

"Sure thing," He says, still giggling, "but only when you're my age, okay?"

Ah, at least Matt let him down easily. You turn to Keith, expecting him to look dejected. To your surprise, however, he's delighted, a shy, toothy grin stretched across his face.

Guess he didn't figure out that Matt's always going to be seven years older than him, poor guy.

The day goes well after that, and Matt even bends down and pecks Keith's forehead, making the latter's face a shade of firetruck red. You managed to snag a photo and put it in your photo album.

At night when you're getting ready for bed, you catch your little brother scrolling through his phone calendar. 

"What's that for?" You ask through your toothbrush.

"A reminder," He replies, as you watch him scroll to a calender 7 years from now and put an alarm on his birthday, "for my date."

Your little brother's the cutest.

 

Keith is 13 when you're 20 and Matt has been showing off his favorite conspiracy theories.

Keith has not shut up about the moon landing being fake for days.

You thought he would've gotten tired of it soon after he started, so you humored him. Now it's worrying you because he starts theorizing it aloud when he _sleeps_. You're definitely going to have a chat with Matt about the content he shows to your little brother.

The two of you are walking back from Matt's place this time, the rare occasion he's in his dorm and not at the Holt household. He managed to snag some cool photos of his dad on a mission to the moon. Keith couldn't stop smiling at a particular one where Sam Holt was apparently "surfing" on some other astronaut in zero gravity. As you guys are walking, he's babbling on about how he can't wait to see space for himself.

"You're gonna have to eat space peas everyday, though." You laughed.

He pouts, "Maybe they'll have something cooler by the time I'm old enough to go."

"I doubt it."

He stops and starts looking around, as though someone was eavesdropping on your conversation. Your brother gestures you closer, and you bend down as he cups his hands around your ear.

"When we go to space, you'll sneak on some bagel bites for me, right?"

You start chuckling hysterically but nod in agreement.

"Good."

"Speaking of bagel bites, you want anything from the cafeteria?" You ask.

"I don't feel like going." Ah right, Keith hates crowded places.

"Oh, come on. _I'm_ hungry," you pat your stomach, "It's not even that far, we'll be out fast, too."

He frowns.

"I'll give you a piggyback ride all the way there?"

That gets his attention, "Shiro! That's embarassing!" He swats at you. "There's so many people here!"

You shrug, "So what? You're gonna pass up on 'Air Shiro' just because of some kids that you don't know?"

He contemplates this, before turning back hesitantly.

"What if Iverson catches us?"

"He won't." You crouch down in front of him, "you getting on or what?"

Keith sighs before you feel him jumping on your back and then you take off. It's easy to run fast. Keith's barely gotten heavier over the past year, and you can carry him with ease.

You zip through classrooms and the confused stares or giggles of other students that see you two. 

You couldn't bring yourself to care because your mind's focused on Keith's stupid laugh. You wonder why your dad would ever choose alcohol over this beautiful idiot.

Later, after 'Air Shiro' has landed, you realize you forgot to have a talk with Matt, and Keith's next favorite conspiracy theory becomes 'Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer.' Which you hear about for 2 weeks.

 

Keith is 14 when you're 21, and you're apparently a certified adult.

You feel like you've been an adult for years.

For your Birthday, you and Keith saved up money to start building up a collaborative project you guys have planned for months. It was meant to be a motorbike, but it turned into a hover bike instead.

The two of you head off to buy the parts on Saturday, and your brother's practically pissing himself in excitement. You're low-key feeling it, too. You've worked your butt off at your part time job and you deserve this, dammit.

Everything goes smoothly, the reasonably priced parts are easy to find. Except the two of you argue briefly over the paint. You wanted black, and he wanted it red as an ape's ass. In the end, black won out, but as the cashier was ringing up the items, Keith must have swapped the black paint can with the red, because it sat there innocently in your bag _after_ purchase.

Little shit.

With Matt, building the bike was easy. You did the heavy duty and dirty work, Matt directed the intricate parts, and Keith would sit by you to hand you tools or get snacks. It took weeks on end to get it to function, but it was completely worth it, just to see your brother lose his shit and jump around.

_Coloring_ the bike turned out to be hard. You were still salty about the color, but you've never really held grudges. But Keith still managed to get you riled up as you two painted.

'Takashi Shirogane is a nerd' was painted on the corner courtesy of your brother (hilarious and original). When you colored over it, Keith would just paint white over it and scrawl out some other lame remark in red.

'Shiro sings in the shower'

'Shiro likes Matt's BUTT'

'Keith is cooler than Takashi <3'

In no time, the _"coloring"_ process just becomes you two writing down stupid things on the bike, and eventually just you and Keith trying to get the most red handprints on one another.

When the bike is finally ( _finally_ ) done, the two of you take it for a test ride in the desert far from the Garrison.

You're not sure why, but you half expected it to break, or have this experience turn sour in any way or form. You waited for something awful to happen, for the past few peaceful years to get overturned again. 

Except it didn't. The wind feels wonderful on your face, and Keith laughs harder than any of the times he's rode on your back. The stars come out eventually when the sun dips, and that's when you've noticed you two have been out driving for hours without noticing.

Neither of you seem to care, and you and your brother quietly appreciate the stars.

 

 

Keith is 15 when you're 22, and you realize your brother is really fucking gay.

You realize when he's showering, and his laptop is actually open, sitting innocently on his bed.

You didn't mean to breach his privacy, you just wanted to check out his history, see what his latest hot interests were, see if he was keeping up with the latest memes. What you _didn't_ mean to do was find a long _long_ history of gay porn on pornhub.

Matt must have helped him breach the Garrison censorship, you think off-handedly.

Nevertheless, you scroll down, finding an increasingly long list of tenuous gay pornos. Looks like your suspicions from his long forgotten crush on Matt were correct.

You try to seem casual after that, but you were fidgety 24/7. Was he comfortable with his sexuality? Is he even gay? Oh god. 

You want to tell him in some subtle way you're there for him, but you didn't want to push it. He's allowed to not tell you, but the wait for a confirmation kept you on the edge of your seat.

You're sure he's catching on to your own sexual orientation, because he looks at you funny whenever someone calls you an 'ace pilot' and you do a stupid little cackle. He's never confronted you about it, though. So why should you?

The feeling knaws at you as you sleep.

This goes on for two weeks, and then you get a snap from Keith on snapchat. You're not sure what you were expecting, but it certainly wasn't just a black screen with the words: 'im gay'.

Well, that was anti-climatic.

You try to come up with a good response. You're pretty sure Keith's super paranoid right about now despite his brief message. You've gotta get this right in one shot, something accepting and comforting at once.

So you send him a close-up of your face and type in: 'No fucking shit'

You think maybe it's too brief, so you send him a blurry selfie with the words: 'nice pornhub searches btw'

His next onslaught of flustered snaps are forever saved on your phone.

 

 

Keith is 16 when you're still 22, and you're not sure what to get him for his birthday.

It's not easy anymore. When he was young all you had to do was use mom's money to get him candy or some shit. Now you need to put in effort. And it's extra hard with Keith because he's not really super interested in anything but going to space and fight aliens or something.

In the end, after exhausting everything at the local mall, you pick out a red cropped jacket along with fingerless gloves. You hold off on a rainbow shirt.

The gift's fine. It's 50% red, 30% done out of spite for Keith's boring wardrobe, 10% long lasting, and 10% pokemon ranger. It's perfect.

Keith doesn't share your sentiment. He scoffs at the uncanny resemblance to pokemon rangers and buries the jacket somewhere in his closet. You learn to not take it personally, because that's just how your brother functions. You know he appreciates the gift, but is too much of an emotional cactus to convey it.

Keith loves the gloves, though. You got them ironically but he didn't seem to get the memo. He wears them like a second skin, as though he didn't look ridiculous enough with a mullet.

The jacket, while forever unused, strangely remains pristine and dustless inside his closet.

 

 

Keith is 17 when you're 24, and your brother is the _shit_ at the Garrison.

He's unaware of it, of course. But _you_ keep up with the talks at the Garrison, and you know he's the star of all his classes and simulations. The rumors get more and more outrageous- how he's got an eight pack, how he wakes up with all his hair flawlessly in place (you have photos to disprove this), and how he once fought the Chupacabra in the desert and barely got away with an inch of his life.

You're not sure where the sudden fame comes from, but you swell with pride with each appraise you hear of your little brother. He's come a long way from his reclusive shell at the old Shirogane household with a dead mom and a drunk dad. No one would probably believe that he cried in your arms after he was locked in a closet for hours. That he used to be a shrimp of a kid, all bones and skin- a far cry from his toned body now from hours spent wrestling you and training.

Puberty hit Keith like a fucking train.

Maybe pre-alcohol dad would've been proud. His loss now. 

Other younger cadets don't seem to make the connection between you two. That's probably because the school fucked up and listed Keith's last name as just your mom's, 'Kogane' instead of the joint one between your parents. If your relationship was more publicly known, they would have a field day about the "prodigious Shirogane brothers". 

You'd probably constantly tease Keith more in public and he'd hate every second of it.

Just when your brother's fame climaxes, you're selected for the Kerberos mission. When Sam Holt informs you, Keith has to catch you because your legs turn to fucking jello from excitement. It proves useless though because next moment you jump around whooping and fall on your ass without even registering the pain from sheer happiness. 

Of course you act more composed and professional when other officers, cadets, and interviewers congratulate you. Only Keith and the Holts are allowed to see you be a fucking idiot.

It's your dream come true, not only do you get to be one of the first people to go to Kerberos, you get to go with Matt and Sam Holt, the literal dream team squad. Keith teases you relentlessly about the supposed "recent chemistry" between you and Matt, and how you'll spend months with him (mostly) alone. You tease him back with his childhood crush on Matt.

He got quiet real quick after that.

On the day of the launch, you're energized as hell despite not sleeping the night before. The Holt family's there to send off Matt and Sam, and it just makes you feel slightly bitter that your parents don't watch you literally be a permanent part of history.

But Keith's there, and he's better company than anyone in the world combined. He even packs you bagel bites (which you eat before launch of course, you can't actually sneak it on) and is misty eyed when he does his rare once-in-a-blue-moon-hug. You actually cry, and your salty tear drips on his hair.

"Want one more round of 'Air Shiro'?"

"Fuck no." He swats at you, "That's embarassing."

You end up doing it anyways, and Keith's laughter echoes around in your head. You can't be bothered to care about any possible judgement from the Holts or the officers or the reporters nearly. Your happiest point has always revolved around Keith. Your _life_ has always revolved around Keith.

It's always been Keith, you realize. That's probably never going to change.

As you watch Earth become a tiny dot in the distance from space, Matt makes a remark about bringing back alien life signs for his sibling.

You jokingly decide to do the same.

Life fucking hates you.


	3. After (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After,where nothing's the same and everything's the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Klanced@Tumblr who beta'd and spiced up(tm) my work! you're the best  
> I split the "after in 2 parts" because it was getting long! Hope you guys like it. Happy coming out day!
> 
> Possible triggers for this: suicidal thoughts, mild gore (burns), and referenced child abuse. Tread carefully.

Keith is 18 when you're still 24.

At least, you _think_ he is. It's hard to tell when you're a prisoner in space.

You should have been travelling back to Earth now, joking and celebrating with Matt and Sam. But no, life hates you. Life has always hated you.

You never should have let your guard down.

You sent Keith a present pre-Kerberos, and it should have arrived by now. Time is messy and blurred, but it should be his birthday. You sent him the pretty dagger he always wanted, signed with a particularly sappy message neither of you would have ever expressed in person. You're sure it's been announced the mission has failed. You're sure your team is pronounced dead. You're sure Keith is crying as he unwraps your final gift.

As his brother and only remaining family member, you've failed in every way that really mattered.

The thought hangs over your head constantly as you stumble through this new hell you're living in. As if on cue, guard calls your name. Your new name, a bunch of numbers you don't recognize.

You and Matt are hauled to your feet and shuffled off to the arena. You win the fight, but you lose Matt.

\------------------

Keith is 18 when you're 25 and you're staring off into the sunrise, something you never thought you'd see again.

You stopped keeping track of time while you were on the ship. You couldn't, even if you wanted to. So having confirmation that you’ve missed a whole year of your life is devastating, but also somewhat of a relief. It could have been worse. Considering how tired you feel, you would think you’d been a prisoner for decades.

So now for find yourself here, staring at the sunrise and wondering how- according to the gossip from the three other kids you’ve picked up- your little brother managed to get kicked out of the Garrison (despite being a literal teenager with no living family), retreated to some fucking hobo shack in the desert fighting Bigfoot or some shit, and lives alone hours away from civilization. You contemplate where you went wrong in your pseudo-parenting.

One things for sure, you’re going to have some choice fucking words with the Garrison.

You almost flinch when something pats your shoulder, nerves completely shot to hell (not that you’d ever admit so), but then you realize it's Keith. He's grown a lot in the year you've been gone, you notice sadly. You almost don't recognize that the jacket he's wearing was your gift, but you're too worn out to tease him for that.

"It's good to have you back."

"It's good to _be_ back."

He timidly smiles at you, and you quirk your lips in response. The conversation feels awkward, stiff, like it was ripped straight from a script. What were you _supposed_ to say? ‘Hey sorry for the hold up, I was captured by fucking extraterrestrial purple furries and was forced to participate in weird gladiator fights and, check it out! I even got my arm chopped off! But don’t worry about little old me, I'm completely fine, just have a bad case of repressed memories and probably PTSD, no biggie. By the way- why did you get kicked out of school?’

Keith breaks you out of your thoughts when he turns back towards the creepy shack and motions for you to follow. You impulsively reach out and grab his shoulder, and Keith freezes in place. 

"Wait, Keith."

He stiffens, and slowly turns back towards you.

"What?"

"I... uh..." You've never been too good at being sincere in these kinds of situations. Anything comforting that comes out of your mouth always sounds like a bad anime line. "I think we should talk."

"About what?" His eyes narrow.

"Your apparent expulsion from school."

He rips his shoulder from your grasp and folds his arms, looking away defiantly.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes, yes there is." Ah, there it is. Even after a year of hell, you still slip into your role of big brother with ease. "Keith, how did you even _get_ expelled?"

Keith hunches his shoulders, and you bite your tongue before you make a pointed comment about bad posture. "Does it matter? I'm kicked out anyways."

"Yes, it _does_! Do you want me to sound like an idiot when I yell at the Garrison for kicking out a teenager with no family or home?!"

He goes wide eyed and finally looks up at you, shock written across his face. His mouth hangs open, the classic Keith look you’ve mentally translated to mean 'what are you talking about?'

"You’re… Not mad?" Keith asks, voice quiet. He uncrosses his arms and fiddles with his sleeves, straightening out some invisible crease.

"Of course I'm mad, you _dingus_. You got kicked out when you were seventeen without a fucking house and anyone to turn to and you better give me a great bible-worthy reason for why you’re living in the _goddamn_ desert before I walk into the Garrison myself and raise hell."

Throughout your tirade, Keith’s posture has gotten worse and worse as he tries to become one with the sand. You’re not trying to shout, but in the emptiness of the desert you sound especially loud. You hope for everyone’s sake that the three Garrison cadets still in the shack aren’t eavesdroppers. But for the moment, all your attention is on Keith and the way he’s curling into himself. It’s a maneuver you remember him doing when he was younger, a thought that makes you feel tired and _old._ Keith bites his lip, and you patiently wait him out.

"I broke into Iverson's office and got caught." The truth comes out in a rush, and Keith gives a hard stare at the ground. He refuses to meet your eye; the pebble by your right shoe must be incredibly fascinating.

You raise a brow, which is wasted entirely. "Why'd you do that? The only thing on that guy’s computer is probably like, Military Playboy or something." To your delight, Keith looks up just to make your favorite pinched expression. You privately call it the ‘Time Keith Sucked A Lemon (approx. seven years old) Face™.

’"Look, this... this is going to sound stupid, but..." Keith clears his throat once, twice, four times, like the world’s saddest lawnmower. When he looks up at you, his eyes are slightly watery, and goddamn it if you don’t feel a tug in your throat too. "When they announced on the TV that you and the Holts were dead, I just- It didn’t feel right. So I snuck into his office."

Your heart scrunches up a bit. You were _announced_ dead but Keith wasn't even informed of beforehand before they started airing it all over?

"I was right, the crash wasn’t due to pilot error at all." He sucks in a breath and relaxes his muscles on the exhale. It’s a technique you drilled into his head when he was a kid, and it’s actually kind of touching to see that he still uses it. "But basically, I got caught, and I was going to suspended, but then IkindofmaybepunchedIversonI'msorry."

That last jumbled up sentence earns a double brow raise. He's done the unspeakable. Every cadets' dream come true.

He notices your silence, and starts gaining an interest in his boots and the sand.

"Well, normally I'd be disappointed, but..." You scratch the back of your neck sheepishly, "I'm more disappointed in the Garrison, and it's not as serious as I thought it was. Like- You didn't straight up murder him, did you?"

"What? No!” Keith throws his arms out in exasperation, which conveniently exposes the sheathed knife that’s still attached to his belt. You significantly raise both brows, and a scowling Keith grumpily moves the knife out of view. “I'd be in _jail._ " He emphasizes. Which, fair enough.

"Oh, right. Laws. Almost forgot about those. And, okay, look- Whatever happened this past year? It doesn’t matter anymore. I got captured by aliens, you became a desert hobo- What matters now is that we're both here. Whatever. Fuck the Garrison."

That's just scratching the surface of how much you _despise_ the Garrison for what they did to your brother. Even now a part of you wants to return to your landing site just so you can show the Garrison employees still stationed there just what it means to piss off a Shirogane. But you don't want to freak out on Keith, who is still staring at you. His bottom lip is full on quivering now, and he’s blinking at you like some of the sand from this goddamn desert has gotten in his eye.

You wonder how much you missed, the one year that your brother desperately tried to find you as he lived all alone in some ratty shack in the desert, who still kept your jacket, who still believed in you and despite everything- saved you.

He deserves a hug.

You spread out your arms. "Bro hug time?" You ask, because you still remember Keith doesn't like being touched much and you should always ask before hugging.

He just nods, before a stream of fat tears come rolling down and he crushes your ribs in a good, familiar way. It's grounding, for both of you, and it finally hits you that you're _here._ You’re finally home.

"Fuck the Garrison," he sobs into your chest.

"Fuck the Garrison," you agree.

\-------

 

Keith is the Red Paladin when you're the Black Paladin, and some days you feel like you can take down two fleets with your brother right behind you.

And some days you want nothing more than to shrivel up and die.

You like Allura well enough. She's amazing and brave and kind and dedicated towards saving the universe. But that doesn't mean you don't feel like throttling her when she tells you to keep training after you have a literal meltdown.

You know you're just being selfish, because the universe needs to be saved and the Galra couldn't give two shits about your mental health. But it's hard to control your emotions when you get taken back to that wretched place that smelled like piss and blood. So instead, you ignore how you feel. Detachment helps.

The Galra treated you like a machine. You're trying to treat yourself like one, too.

Ignoring your feelings actually feels pretty fucking amazing. You're a little less prone to freezing up like a gaping idiot (Like the time Keith had to save your ass on that first day. It should have been the other way around) and it's easier to look after the others in the Castle. You know it's unhealthy as hell and liable to bite you in the ass, but you feel better knowing that, to the paladins, you're the perfect leader. So you continue to shove away your feelings, just like how Keith used to shove his clothes under the closet.

But now, as you hurl your fucking stomach out the space toilet, you regret everything. You briefly fantasize launching yourself out into space; at the very least, you’d have a great view because you died. You've spent a year being fed the bare minimum of sludge, and now that you're being fed space goo daily your stomach can't keep up at all. Or keep it down, for that matter.

This probably wouldn't have happened if you were asleep right now, like a normal person, but life has always gotten it’s greatest kicks by kicking you. You feel like you’ve rolled up to the drive-thru of some 24-hr chain, only you don’t have a car so you’re ordering through the window on foot. And when you receive your meal, you open up to bag to reveal the new special McInsomnia with a large case of PTSD and some extra salty Trauma Fries. And it only costed you a year of your life, your friend and his dad, and your arm.

Unfortunately for you, your unwelcome feelings sneak around during the day and enact their revenge by leaking into your head at night. You end up staying up for hours on end, staring at the ceiling and remembering every little mistake you’ve made over the past year. Commander Holt’s and Matt are frequent faces in your dreams if you do manage to fall asleep, which always has the nice side effect of waking you up. So you regret, and regret, and regret some more, and then finish off your night by throwing up your guts out for at least an hour. And then before you know it, the Castle’s cycle reaches morning, and it’s time to get up and start another day of bad coping habits. Rinse, and repeat. Repressing memories is one thing, but by combining it with repressed emotions, you’ve managed to reach a whole new level of unhealthiness.

Over the four days you've spent in this god forsaken ship, you've managed to sleep a whopping total of two hours. And you thought senior year was bad.

But you can do this. You can keep up this facade of acting like a functional adult in front of your team. You've done it before for Keith, you can do it again. The team is important, and you want their respect, but you promised yourself to _never_ fall in front of Keith.

Everything you do has always been for Keith.

\-----

Keith is cradling Lance in his arms- which is concerning because Lance is heavily injured but also hilarious because your baby brother, who once almost bit a teacher for hugging him goodbye on the last day of school, is voluntarily touching someone. Pigs really do fly. You can’t help but smirk over at them while Pidge (Or, does she prefer Katie?) helps you up. The hand she offers you is surprising, since you’re pretty sure she hates your fucking guts.

You're not sure, but why wouldn't she? From any angle, it just looks like you straight up abandoned Matt and Sam. If you really tried and cared, you would have brought them back with you. All three of you would be here. You even took part in stopping (guilt-tripping) her into staying with Voltron instead of looking for her family. So yes, you're pretty sure she hates you. Which is fine, because you kind of hate yourself, too.

You can't help but be super protective when it comes to her, though. Pidge is strong, but she's still a kid and it shows. It's amazing how brave she’s been through this whole mess. And yet, you still can’t help but wonder if she also curls up at night on her too big bed, quietly crying about the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. She's just a kid, despite everything.

Or maybe that's just your excuse, because she's also the spitting image of Matt- hideous round glasses and blond tousled hair. Or that she reminds you too much of Keith as a kid- a tiny ball of force to be reckoned with, with too much knowledge and weight on their shoulders.

You head over to your room after Pidge comes out to the crew. Your reassurance and bravado slips away as guilt fills its place. It's all replaced with self-hatred so strong that it tops even Lance's (no one else has caught on, but you know low self-esteem and insecurity when you see it. You know, you just know.) and you're trudging along until you spot Keith entering his own room at the end of the hall.

You could use some time with your brother right now.

You knock on his door before entering without his permission because it's you and you're a dick to him when it's just you two. He barely looks surprised.

"Howdy, buddy." You say as you sit down on his bed.

He shrugs off his jacket before hanging it on his wall.

"Hey."

"I haven't talked to you properly, how're you holding up?" 

He shrugs, "I'm fine." Then a pause, and he reluctantly adds, "You're the one who was pretty banged up, are _you_ okay?"

"I'm fine." Physically anyways. "Lance was the one that took the real beating back there, anyways. It's all good."

Keith's shoulders tense a bit, and he plops down next to you. 

"I hope the healing pods actually worked. It'd suck if he plopped down suddenly because they didn't do their job right."

You laugh, "Keith, we have functional flying lion ships, where's your sense of faith?"

"I gave it away to conspiracy theories."

"Touche."

He starts cleaning his knife like one of those edgy cool kids in wild west movies, with the straws in the mouth and squinted eyes kind of shit. 

"What was he even thinking, jumping into an explosion like that? He could've died right there and screwed up Voltron." He scoffs, "If his brain wasn't in his head he would've lost it."

You chuckle. He's rambling off in the way you've deciphered as secretly affectionate. You know he's still jittery over Lance, and is actually super concerned over him. It's a bit weird, you suppose, considering he's acting this distraught over someone who-

Wait.

Oh. Oh. Ooooooh. Things are starting to click in your head. The way Keith was anxious to see Lance out of the pod and stuck to it like glue, the way he's rambling on about his health, the way he 'cradled him in his arms'. It may have been a year, but you can still read your brother like a damn good book.

Little Keith's got a big ol' gay crush on Lance. 

You smirk and lean into him, and he doesn't flinch, unbeknownst to your new knowledge.

"You're awfully worried about Lance. Finally coming out of your shell?"

He looks up and narrows his eyes at your wagging brows. "What’s that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Just stating my observations."

"Well I'm not worried. Just angry at his stupidity."

"Sure thing, Mr. Gotta-crowd-in -front-of-Lance's-pod-and-keep-asking-when-he's-coming-out."

Recognition starts to flare in his eyes and he tightens his grip on his knife.

" _Takashi..._ " He warns.

"Mr. Lance-better-be-ok-or-I'll-make-the-healing-pods-pay."

"Takashi, shut up."

"And let's not forget my personal favorite," you throw up your hand dramatically and pretend to swoon, "Oh Lance, we really do make a good team! Let me cradle you in my arms"

Keith throws his dagger down on the bed and hauls you up, "Yeah, no. No, no, nope. N-O. Not doing this right now. Get out."

"But we bonded, Lance! I cradled your toned, beautiful, smooth body in my arms! It was intense!"

"Oh my god, shut up!" He shouts, as his face mimics the color of his lion. He's pushing you out the door as you hang on to his doorway.

"Oh come on, don't you want to talk about your gay baby crush to your big brother Shiro like you did with your first one?" You snicker.

"Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you." He growls before kicking your ass to the floor and locking his door.

You're laughing your ass off as you call out a final, "Shiro loves you, baby!" and you hear his shout of frustration.

You hear another person laughing in the midst of yours and you turn around to see Pidge. She gives you a knowing smile as she helps you off the floor.

You automatically feel a bit shittier, knowing that she probably wishes that that was her and Matt.

\----

Keith is carrying you around when you're passed the fuck out like a drunk freshman at a frat party.

The good thing is that you're only kind of half passing out. Like- you keep phasing in and out of consciousness. Keith's words are barely muddled even though he's practically shouting at your ear, but you know he's saying that he'll kick your ass if you die.

The bad thing is that everyone separated, you and Keith are being chased by Galra on all sides, and oh you're bleeding out of your stomach.

Things are going great as the red and black paladin.

"Hey, Keith?"

"What?" He grits out, wadding through corpses.

"If I don't make it... I want you to lead Voltron." Which you know is actually a bad idea but fuck it, whatever.

"Oh my god, shut up." Keith's voice gets warbly like he's about to cry.

"Hey... uh...also, I know I don't say this often but like..." You swallow down your bile, "I really love you. So yeah."

"Shut your fucking anime talk, I'm trying to save your ass."

"It's true though," you laugh, "It's true... it's... _it's true_."

You start slipping more after that.

He keeps resting you down on floor gently as possible to fight off hordes of Galra by his lonesome, shielding you the best he can. Everything's blurry, like your days prisoner. There's blood everywhere when Keith drags you somewhere else.

You're not sure if it's from you bleeding out or if it's because Keith is fighting tooth and nail at these soldiers as they fall down one by one, fluids splattering everywhere.

After awhile- you're not sure how long, anywhere from half an hour to a century, you finally just fall flat and have the best sleep you've had in a long time. You hear Keith yell for your name but you're long gone already.

\-----------

The next time you come back to the world of the living, you’re lying down, it’s quiet, and you can't see shit. Everything looks like you put on your dad's old reading glasses, but you hear Keith. You feel his hand, hot against your cheek and so, so comforting and grounding.

'I got you, Takashi. Stay with me. We'll get out of here. You understand?'

You try your best to nod, but moving is impossible and you just slip back into sleep.

'I got you.'

\-----------  
You keep slipping in and out after that. Keith's always there.

He's pressed against your side this time, fingers intertwined.

'Stars are out.'

'Remember we used to watch the stars at the lighthouse?'

'I really miss that.'

'We'll be back someday.'

\--------  
'Hey... are you there, Shiro?'

A long while stretches.

'Good talk, brother.'

\-------  
'You still owe me bagel bites you dick.'

\--------  
'It's been a month, I think.'

'I don't know where they are.'

'They may have given up on you, but I won't stop.'

'I lived in the desert believing for a year, I can do it again.'

\-------  
'I think Black misses you.'

'Please come back.'

\---------  
'I braided your fringe. You should wake up and see it.'

\----------  
'When you wake up, let's go race with red and black.'

'Red kind of misses you, too.'

\---------  
'Hey, do you think these mushrooms are gonna kill us?"

\--------  
'Hey, I know it's weird to say and kinda shitty since you're comatose but... uh. I love you, too.'

'So don't die.'

\-------  
'I take it back. You're an asshole.'

'Wake the fuck up already.'

\-------  
'Holy shit!'

'Shiro!'

'They're here! We're going to be fine!'

'You're going to be fine!'

'Takashi!'

You feel yourself being hauled up and cold washes over you.  
\----------

Keith is the only thing you see when you're tumbling out of the cyropod.

And it's the only name you call before he crushes you in his arms and you don't even care that everyone's watching when you hold him closer, burying your head in his mullet as you're sobbing his name over and over again.

It feels like you woke up from a bad dream.

You don't know how much time passes as you rock Keith in your caress, but you know it's long because the others start awkwardly shuffling out of the room because they get the hint that they're intruding on something private.

An hour must've passed before you and Keith reluctantly and rather awkwardly untangle. His face is red and puffy from crying, and you don't think he's cried this hard since he first watched the Mewtwo Pokemon movie. But you're honestly not faring much better on your own face. You've gone weeks without space eyeliner and concealer.

Now you guys sit in silence in the privacy of your own room. It's gotten a bit dusty, but you're too tired to care.

"So..." You clear your throat, "are you okay?" That seems to be all you've been asking him lately.

It took a near death experience for you to realize you've been kind of disconnected from him lately.

"Yeah," He rubs his fingers nervously, "I'll live."

You sigh. "Look, I'm sorry."

He snaps up at you angrily.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?" You ask, surprised.

"Stop taking the blame for shit you're not responsible for."

"Keith, we wouldn't have needed to be there in the first place if I didn't lose Allura."

"The Galra's to blame then," He shrugs.

You rub your temples, "look Keith, it's not that simple. I lost Allura and my bond with my own lion wasn't strong enough and-"

"It wasn't. Your. Fault." He grits out.

"It is. You just don't get it."

"I do." He turns to you fully, and God since when did he get so mature? "I get that you've just been blaming yourself for everything. I'm not an idiot."

He points at himself, "If I said it was my fault because I decided to go at Zarkon, would you agree?"

You fall silent for a while. "No."

"If Allura said it was her fault for getting captured, would you agree?"

"...No."

"Then why are you so hard on _yourself_?" He cries.

"I don't know!" You yell, and before you know it you're crying despite the fact that you thought you ran out of tears already. You start breathing heavily, "It's just. God, I don't know, alright? Pidge's family's gone even though I was captured with them! And I have to be reminded of that every fucking day when I see her face! And then I fucking lost Allura, because of this. Stupid. Fucking. Arm!"

You grab your arm and disconnect it before flinging it crashing on the floor.

You continue, taking revel in your little brother's shock because you're a rotten, awful person, "Allura told me to be proud of surviving the Galra. _Proud_. I'm fucking freezing up every other day because of what I should be _proud_ of. I can't look at my own body without feeling sick! And you know why? Because I deserve it for fucking up! For leaving Matt behind! For leaving Sam behind! For leaving Allura behind! Don't believe me? Ask Coran!" Your tears are spilling and you're sure even people on Earth can hear you right now, but bottling up emotions really was a bitch because shit's overflowing out of your mouth.

"So yes, _Keith_. I'm hard on myself because your big brother's a fuck up and a coward and I was given this STUPID position as a leader after one fucking year as prisoner, and I can't just up and quit and fly away with you back to Earth and pretend everything's just right as rain! Blaming myself makes me feel better about myself, because at least I feel a little less guilty. So..." You swallow, "At least give me that until we find Pidge's family."

You don't want to look at your brother. You're breathing heavily and feel like puking but you turn to look at Keith anyways. Would he look disgusted? Angry? Both?

He just looks sad. He doesn't say anything else as he hugs you again and honestly you prefer that over everything else now.

Keith understands you better than anyone, and he rubs soft circles into your shoulder blades and holds you tight like he's the older one.

You sob into his dumb mullet again. You didn't realize how much you needed that.

\-----------

Keith is the reason you bother waking up in the morning when you're low-key crying inside.

After your... "conversation", everything changes. You're not itching to launch yourself out the airlock every five seconds now. You and Keith discussed your problems for a long time after your outburst. You've almost forgotten what a great listener he is.

Your little brother's the best.

You guys set up some things in private. Like how whenever you need someone to talk to, or freeze up he automatically materializes next to you and sometimes that helps.

Even if it doesn't, you appreciate it all the same, because you can't win 'em all.

You can't afford to hide your favoritism anymore, because that shit flew out the window when you and Keith hugged for an uncomfortable half an hour in front of everyone. Honestly you feel better than ever, reconnecting with your brother.

Another thing he's set up was a hand drawn picture of you beating up Zarkon and Haggar on your ceiling. When you sleep, it stares right back at you. You love it partly because Keith drew it and partly because his rendition of Zarkon looks like Steve Buscemi.

When that's not enough (it usually isn't) you have to do the walk of shame (no, it's not shameful- you have to remind yourself everyday) to Keith's room, wake him up and sleep next to him. It works pretty well, surprisingly. You think it's because he'd do the same when he was younger, before Kerberos, before dad, before mom, and you two sleeping together huddled up was honestly the most peaceful memory you have. The most peaceful moment in your life, and it's great to have a piece of it here.

It's a bit weird sometimes, though. Because by now everyone else in the castle has seen you ninja your way to Keith's room at least once now. You can only imagine how pathetic you must look. But you really can't afford to not sleep these days.

The other thing that's changed was you and Keith's relationship outside of the small circle of you, him, and occasionally Pidge. You're not afraid to show the world that you can outright love, and be the human that the Galra taught you to not be.

Keith reminds you time and time again you're not a machine. You're trying hard not to be one to you.

You try to show it whenever, like putting 'Air Shiro' officially back in action. Keith always acts reluctant to do it, but when he screeches in laughter like when he was a kid as you guys bolt through the castle halls, you know he's just saving face. It's so endearing you wish you could show the whole universe and all it's galaxies and stars and planets just how adorable your little brother is. Or show Lance.

The others catch on that something changed in you during that botched mission to save the princess. The first time you gave Keith a noogie in public everyone outright stared in horror like you decapitated him. Now the others aren't so afraid to approach you anymore, and Keith isn't the only one that occasionally pats your back now. You've managed to remove yourself from that 'perfect' pedestal the world forced you on that you weren't supposed to be put on in the first place. It's refreshing as hell.

Being able to make mistakes around your paladins slowly becomes a bit easier with Keith around. Being around Keith is even easier. You missed pulling the back of his shirt over his head, you missed Air Shiro, you missed talking about crushes and conspiracy theories late at night, you missed your brother.

It's never always alright, but it's a start. You start healing slowly.

\--------------

Keith is asking for a sparring session when you're done with your own workout.

You agree, as usual. You don't even need to, really, he's already heading to the training before you say 'yes'.

You guys started out as you normally would. No knives. No bayard. Keith would have to take you down by himself.

That wasn't to say he had a disadvantage, being the younger one. He's fast as hell, and even faster as of late. When he was a kid all you'd have to do was shove him and he'd go down like a sack of bricks. Now you _actually_ need to put in effort. A shit ton of effort. You might be stronger, but it doesn't mean anything when you can barely touch him.

You try to keep track of his legs and movements. You used to be able to subdue him easily because Keith was as predictable as a stump, but he's caught on as of late, his movements erratic. So you keep a keen eye on where he's scampering off to.

You're not sure how long it's been, but after a while you're both visibly tired, and suddenly he tackles you from behind, taking you by surprise. This isn't the first time he's done that, but this time his hand digs deep into a particular crook under your rib. An ugly scar courtesy of one of the gladiator fights.

Everything happened so fast, you didn't know what was going on. One moment your arm flashed purple and suddenly Keith gave the most heart-wrenching scream. The next thing you knew, your little brother was lying on the floor, clutching his arm.

His red, red, _bloody_ arm that's peeling off skin.

He's still screaming and gasping for breath as you immediately scoop him up in your arms. You barely see through your tears that you hardly take notice of but you tear through the castle as fast as you can in your panic.

You think you knock down machines and furniture in the process but the only thing on your mind is _Keith Keith Keith_. You ignore everyone's cries of concern when you burst into the common room and beg for help. Allura and Coran immediately set up the healing pod and your brother whose passed out is shoved in quickly.

When everything's done, you're bombarded with questions, with your red, puffy, tear streaked face in full view.

_What happened?_

_Is mullet gonna be alright?_

_Did he hurt himself?_

You ignore everyone. You just curl yourself into a sad ball right beside the pod pathetically. Eventually everyone files out, but you don't take notice.

This was all your fault. Everything was going so well, too. Now you're back into square one of intense self-hatred and loathing. You even unknowingly start pulling strands of your hair out in your breakdown.

What would Keith even say to you when he comes out? God, would he ignore you entirely. He'd probably hate you.

You try telling yourself that Keith couldn't- wouldn't do that. But anxiety eats you up from the inside.

Eventually you stop feeling sorry for yourself- on the floor next to the pod anyways, and you start throwing yourself at the bots in the training room. You're not sure if you're ready to face your brother when he comes out of the pod because you're a coward. You take everything out on the poor training droids, hitting so hard you can't hear your own thoughts. You're glad no one interrupts you on your personal massacre.

"What am I going to do?" You ask the broken droid, like it had it all your answers that life decides to never provide.

Later that night, far after dinner time- which you skipped, you return to your room only to find Keith sitting on your bed. _The pods worked far too fast for your liking_ , you think before hitting yourself mentally for even suggesting that.

"Hi," you say eloquently.

"Hey, Takashi."

Ah shit, he whipped out your first name. You sigh, wishing that Zarkon would straight up attack the castle right now so you could spread your arms in pure relief of release as he murders you.

"Look... about what happened," you start, "I- I'm sorry-"

"It wasn't your fault, man."

"I burned the entire skin of your arm off, Keith," He finches at the memory, "shit, look- I just... I'm so, so sorry about that. I understand if you can't forgive me." 

"Dude, I'm in your room, telling you it wasn't your fault," Keith says, "Why are you still acting like I'm never going to talk to you after this?"

You let out a shaky laugh that sounds more like a sigh, "You know how I am now."

His eyes soften, and you're reminded of that ten year old that used to hide behind your legs in the supermarket. He pats on the space next to him on your bed, so you sit down.

"Shiro..." He says so low it's nearly like a whisper, "you used to throw me down the stairs, lock me out the house, pants me on the street, and fling little bugs at my hair."

You laugh at the bug incident, "That was once, and only because you licked all the flavoring off my chips."

His face scrunches up, "you were halfway through the bag, almost nothing seemed wrong. I didn't deserve getting bugs thrown at me."

"You licked _each_ chip! They were so tasteless and moist!"

It's silent for a moment, before the two of you burst into laughter. Keith even starts snorting, throwing his head back. The tears you were holding in come streaming down now, and you thought you'd cried all of it out earlier. At least now it's from joy.

When the two of you calm down, he wheezes, "But, the point is..." He sobers up as he eyes your arm, then at you. "I've been through the shittiest parts of my life with you, even when you were a total shit to me. So, no, I'm not going to start hating you for something you didn't have control over. You're my brother, and _this,_ " His hand ghosts over your prosthetic arm, "doesn't change jack shit."

You sniff loudly, and his face turns mischievous, "it does make you look cooler, though."

You smile, "like the winter soldier dude?"

"I don't know who that is, but sure."

You let out a last watery laugh, and you still feel like shit inside, but less so now. Both of you know nothing's the same, especially with gladiator fights, imprisonment by aliens, and flying space lions, but the two of you will last. For now. This thought helps you sleep, and you fall into a slumber listening to Keith talk about conspiracy theories.

\--------------

Keith is off doing training with Lance one day when you start noticing more changes.

It's starts with the day all of you land on some purple moon for a distress signal (a real one this time). As you guys wait for the stragglers to finish patching up the ship, Keith and Lance are obnoxiously holding their breath without the oxygen provided by their masks. Some sort of challenge provoked by Lance, no doubt.

Lance is winning, since he's got his bonus as a swimmer, but Keith's not giving up based on sheer determination. Even though his face is getting purple.

"Keith, you're losing, just stop," you say.

Lance practically preen at this, which unfortunately just makes Keith even more determined.

" _Keith,_ please,"

Still going, purple sprouting.

You sign heavily, "Keith Kogane - Shirogane if you don't knock that crap off _right now_ -"

Lance outright squaks in surprise, and struggles to breath as he clicks his helmet in place. Keith does the same, smiling triumphantly. You're too busy giving him a reprimanding look before you realize everyone sans Pidge and your brother are gawking at you.

"What did you just call him?" Hunk asks.

"Keith Kogane- Shirogane? Because... he's my brother...?" You're totally confused. And it doesn't help that Pidge starts putting two and two together before you and starts giggling.

Apparently no one else knew that you and Keith were brothers except Pidge. Everyone just had weird vibes that you two were (in Allura's words) "Deeply bonded as romantic partners" which makes you and Keith howl on the floor but also gag inwardly because what the fuck. Lance doesn't pick his jaw up from the floor for hours, Hunk and Coran soon just starts rolling with it, and Allura just mutters something along the lines of, 'everything makes so much sense now...'

After that, you realize that there's a more comfortable vibe from your team when you goof around with Keith, because people probably realize that no- the respectable senior officer Shiro isn't in romantic bed cahoots with expelled Keith, and Lance starts joining in on teasing your brother sometimes. You've got a plausible reason for your favoritism now, and that takes a load off your shoulders now that everyone's given their silent understanding because you really need Keith and he needs you, too.

Lance is... different after the little reveal. You start picking up on the little things. He glances at you when he's bickering with your little brother, like a silent apology, and something else. He also starts being more- dare you say, wary of you. It's always around Keith.

Like once when Keith comes in the break room dripping with sweat and general grossness that warrants his shirt sticking to his body's contours, and Lance just kind of stops mid-rambling, outright staring at your brother unashamedly . You wouldn't have noticed this if it weren't for the fact that he whipped his head towards you, eyes full of fear, obviously checking to see if you were watching. A counter-intuitive move, you realize.

You're not as oblivious as Keith, you put together the puzzle pieces quickly. Could it really be true, though? Voltron's very own blue paladin has a crush on your brother? It's amusing as it is endearing. How long had Lance been pinning for Keith? How long until they get together?

Keith and Lance make some good chemistry, despite the odds. They've come a long way from their aggressive fights and rivalry, and over the months it's smoothed out to friendly bickering and even occasional (backhanded) compliments that incite fond smiles that look like they're sharing some sort of secret. It's totally cute, and you honestly want to stop seeing your brother not-so-secretly glare daggers behind Lance's back when he flirts with the local aliens.

You start fantasizing about showing Lance your arsenal of Keith albums- which are full of blackmail or cute childhood photos or both. Like Keith's bowlcut stage. You and your (in your head) soon to be brother-in-law can laugh over shitty tea and tease about what a cutie Keith was and still is. Maybe you could give Lance the "take good care of my impulsive gay brother" talk you've been reciting and rewriting in your head since you were still a cadet at the Garrison. So many possibilities.

Okay, yeah. Maybe you're a little too excited at seeing this possible relationship blossom. It makes you feel like a teasing brother once again instead of some distant, protective parent like you've been molded to be.

You just really want Keith to be happy for once.

One night, you and your brother are lying on your bed- Keith trying sleep with you staring at his Zarkon Buscemi drawing still hanging on the ceiling. He was too lazy to get up and crawl over to his own room, which you were secretly thankful for.

When your thoughts wander over to recent events, you start grinning mischievously, and he turns to you- skeptical, like he's got a "Shiro bullshit sensor".

"Hey, Keith."

"Go to sleep."

"Aw, don't you wanna do one of those brotherly midnight _bonding_ talks?"

He sighs, and turns upwards, too.

"Fine."

"So I think Lance likes you."

"Never mind, I'm going to sleep after all."

You laugh and shake him, "Oh come on, Keith! Even _you_ can't be this oblivious! I think he really likes you back."

"Well, what do you want me to do? Ask him out in the middle of war?"

"I couldn't think of a better time."

"How?" He whispers fiercely, "I'm not good at that kind of stuff!"

You shrug, "Get him cake and a flower and just go for it, it worked for Matt."

He hits you with a pillow immediately, but you can't stop yourself from smiling all the way up to your scar.

"When are you going to let that go? I was like 10!"

"12," you correct, "And don't try changing the subject, you dandy fuck. I suggest you square up and ask him out before... something bad happens."

He softens visibly at that, and sighs. 

Silence.

"You think he'll say yes?"

"Nothing's certain."

He slumps.

"But I think you've got a good chance."

He turns to you, really looks at you. Even in the darkness of your room you see some of his edges in his expression smooth out.

"You think so?"

You turn to him as well, and put on the most serious face you could muster.

"Keith, you've braved a drunk dad and a missing family, lived in the desert alone like a complete badass, tracked and saved _me_ , and now fight giant purple aliens daily whilst piloting the strongest weapon in the universe. And you’re not even 20 years old yet.”

You grin at the flush of your brother as he fails to hide his dweeby little smile behind the blanket. It’s never fails to make your heart fill up warmly with nostalgia.

“You’re going to do just fine.”

Keith covers his face in the pillow. You wait.

After a while, when you’re nearly asleep, he whispers, “Thank you, Takashi.”


End file.
